


First Ever Fanfic - by Jacqui (Biggles) and Amanda (Fang) c1980

by AmandaHuffleduck



Category: Doctor Who, Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-24
Updated: 2013-09-24
Packaged: 2017-12-27 12:44:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/979051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmandaHuffleduck/pseuds/AmandaHuffleduck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A man with curly hair and a very long scarf recruits a chartered accountant to save the universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	First Ever Fanfic - by Jacqui (Biggles) and Amanda (Fang) c1980

**Author's Note:**

> Transcribed directly from the original longhand, with added paragraphs for clarity. No other alterations or corrections… no matter how much I wanted to. Apologies to any accountants – Monty Python has a lot to answer for. 
> 
> Witness!  
> \- The nascent feminism embodied by an idiot Marty Stu!  
> \- The shameless, shameless, ripping off of other peoples jokes and lines.  
> \- The clumsy attempts at running jokes.  
> \- The even clumsier attempts at cramming in and justifying mentions of all our sci-fi influences.  
> \- The slight, and completely unintentional incidence of innuendo. (though thinking back to our smutty teenage selves, perhaps it wasn’t quite so unintentional.)  
> \- The typos, plot/character inconsistencies and dodgy punctuation. (Note: ‘Coppernicus’ isn’t a typo. Go on, sound it out and marvel at the authors’ sophisticated wit.) 
> 
> (In our defence, we were 16 and this was written as a parody.)

Ch I

Albert Smith, chartered accountant extraordinaire, went out one lunchtime to ring his mum. He was going to be late for tea, but he never knew how late he was going to be.  
On the corner of the street there was a new phone box. It was blue with a flashing light on top, making a noise like a washing machine in a fit, disappearing and reappearing.  
Stepping in to the phone box when it was actually there, Albert proceeded to make his call, when, suddenly a voice said.  
“What do you think you’re doing? You almost short-circuited K9.”   
A man with curly hair and an incredibly long scarf had spoken. Albert withdrew his ten cent piece from under a metal dog’s collar.  
“’ere,” said Dr Who (for that was who it was), “You could be useful to me.”  
Albert stared blankly at him for a minute. The good doctor continued.  
“I need a man like you to seek out the centre of the universe and find out why time has stopped.”  
“So it has!” Said Albert, looking at his Mickey Mouse watch, “but I don’t think I’ll do it because I’d have to work overtime and mum wouldn’t like it.”  
“Ah yes,” said the doctor, “but this mission will bring you Glory and Adventure.”  
Albert’s face assumed that faraway look, then he said. “I’ll do it!”  
“A word of warning, “ said Dr Who, “you’ll have to closely encounter strange new life forms and civilizations. In short, you’ll have to boldly go where no man has gone before!” The music issuing from K9 reached a deafening crescendo.   
“Yes,” Albert whispered, “adventure and glory.”

Dr who presented Albert with his very own spaceship – the Coppernicus, and his very own personal assistant, Vita Min.  
Dr Who said, “Oh by the way, mind your p’s and q’s.”  
“What are they,” Albert asked curiously, “I’ve never been able to work out that expression.”  
“Pulsars and quasars ,” said the Dr, turning to leave. Suddenly he turned back to Albert. “Oh, what’s your name?” he asked.  
“Albert Smith.” Albert Smith replied.  
Dr Who frowned.  
“Hmmm, we can’t send you into space with a name like that. We’ll have to change it.”  
Albert thought for a bit.  
“I know,” he said brightly. “Spock.”  
“No, we’ve already got one of those.” Dr Who said quickly. There was a short silence. “Zock!” Dr Who exclaimed clicking his fingers.  
“Pardon?” Asked Albert.  
“You are now Albert Zock.” The doctor said proudly placing his hands on the Albert’s shoulder.  
“Oh.” Said Albert.

Ch. II

Zock and Vita set out for deep space. Whizzing past stars and space junk, the passed a huge glass dome filled with plants, a short, red drone waved at them.  
Vita spoke.  
“I read somewhere that there was a race of beings who don’t see in the spectrum of visible light like we do, but see only the microwave part of the spectrum.”  
“Oh.” Said Zock, assuming his macho space hero voice, “bet they’d have problems, they’d only see their ovens.”  
Vita sighed.  
“This is going to be a long journey.” She said.

Suddenly… they found themselves dematerializing into blurbs of light, and rematerializing knee deep in purring, fuzzy, round objects.  
“Look, we’ve landed in a powder puff factory!” Vita exclaimed.  
“No, it’s a toupee factory. Look there’s the model.” Zock said pointy to a bald woman whose hemline was cut extremely badly. A small party of people approached Zock and Vita.   
“Greetings.” Said a tall, broad shouldered Captain-type person. “I am Captain James T Kirk. This is my 1st officer Mr Spock,” he said pointing to a tall man with funny ears. “…Leuitenant Decker,” indicating a drippy looking person who was making cow eyes at the bald lady. “… and chief engineer Scot, and medical officer Dr Mcoy. We have a slight problem,” continued the Captain, removing one of the round objects from his ear, “we’re having trouble with tribbles.”  
“Oh,” Vita said trying to be polite. “I hadn’t noticed.”  
“We beamed you aboard because we think you can help us.” It was the six foot elf talking.  
“Oh,” Vita said again, with even more stress on the ‘oh’. Zock was nonchalantly feeding a tribble a space biscuit; suddenly it exploded into 4 smaller tribbles.   
“Oh.” Said a befuddled Zock.  
“That’s the trouble with tribbles,” said McCoy as if he was irritated.  
“Yes,” the Captain agreed, “you’ve heard of ‘all mouth and trousers’, well…”  
Vita grinned, Zock didn’t quite get the joke. Zock then drew himself up to his full height and puffed out his chest.  
“Don’t worry, I’m a space hero, I’ll get rid of your troubles.”  
“That’s tribbles.” Scott interjected. Zock gave him a withering look and Vita raised pleading eyes towards the ceiling.

And so it came to pass, all the tribbles were beamed from the ‘Enterprise’ to the ‘Coppernicus’, Zock and Vita following. Once aboard, Zock looked at all the little furry objects and went, “Oh.”  
Vita said, with her best Leia-look, “gee you’re brilliant.”  
Zock shrugged his broad shoulders and looked helpless.  
“Well, I don’t know what to with them,” he said apologetically.  
“Zock, you’re as dense as a black hole,” Vita said sweetly.   
He replied, “No, my brain is made up of matter, and matter is mostly empty space.”  
“Yes.” Agreed Vita.  
Suddenly, Captain Kirk appeared, looking a little consternated, on the Coppernicus’ intercom screen.  
“I’m afraid there’s a Klingon battle cruiser coming straight at you at warp 3 in sector five-oh-one, attack vector ninety-seven-point-three.”  
Zock sucked his thumb and cuddled his teddy-bear.  
“What does that mean?” he asked.  
“It means,” Vita said coolly, turning around from making frantic calculations on pushing buttons on the control pane, “that we are about to be blasted out of existence.”  
“Oh.” Zock said. He sat down dejectedly, head in hands. Unbeknownst to him, his elbow knocked the button which, by a 5,703,694-to-one chance, transported the tribbles to the Klingon ship.  
Vita shouted. “Zock, you did it, you did it, they’ve stopped attacking.”  
Zock looked puzzled. “What? I did? I mean, of course I did! I knew all along how to solve our problem, I was just testing you.”  
Vita’s smile froze.  
“Well we better set out for the center of the Universe.” Zock said, rubbing his hands.   
Vita went through the motions of strangling a chicken.

Ch III

As they were cruising along by an innocent looking asteroid field, a tatty looking freighter leaped out in front of the them doing incredible spacobatics.  
“My god, that must be the fastest hunk of junk in the galaxy!” Vita exclaimed. Suddenly four nastly looking (obviously enemy) fighters darted around and about the freighter.  
“Oh no, we must be trapped in a space invaders machine!” Zock said.  
Caught amidst the cross fire, Zock took a drastic action; he screamed. Vita hit two buttons on the control panel, shooting out two flashes of light which instantly vapourised two of the enemy craft. As one of the remaining fighters erupted into flames against an asteroid the tatty freighter somehow managed to obliterate the other one.  
“Thanks a lot, you guys.” Came over the intercom. Zock acknowledged the call. Meanwhile Vita had made a startling discovery.  
“Oh no!” she exclaimed, “the computer has scrambled the co-ordinates for the center of the universe!”  
Zock kicked the computer.  
“Oh” he said, jumping up and down and holding his foot.  
“Hey you guys” said the pilot of the freighter, “why not come down with us to the planets surface, we’ve got a nice computer there.” There was gales of hysterical female laughter coming from the freighter.

The Coppernicus followed the Millenium Falcon (that was its name) down to the surface of Khyzzki. Zock and Vita followed the crew of the Falcon tru the immaculate white corridors of an imposing alien building. From a dark, wide recess the clash of light sabres could be heard. Princess Leia looked at Han Solo and sighed.  
“Oh no, they’re at it again.”  
Zock said, “I shall save them!” and started to move off. Chewbacca reached out a massive paw and slapped him back.  
“I wouldn’t do that if I was you,” the Princess said, “it’s a family quarrel/matter.”

The small party moved over to watch the fight. Two figures, one tall, dark and Evil and one smaller, dressed in white and a boyish grin, were duelling with light sabres. The one in black, stood still and handled his sabre effectively with one hand; a strange hissing sound emanated from what could probably be called his face. The smaller one however, was jumping around like a mad flea, clasping his sabre in both hands. The fight raged.  
Zock noticed two droids, one golden and humanoid the other small and barrel like, cowering in a corner. He then noticed a little green figure with pointy ears, dressed in rags, sitting on top of a locker, eating popcorn, watching the fight intently and mumbling something about a ‘force’.  
The tall dark one was gaining an advantage over the smaller one. Zock decided to interfere and strode of smartly before Chewbacca could grab him. Cautiously avoiding the light sabres slicing the air around him he went up and tapped the smaller one on the shoulder.  
“Excuse me…” Zock started.  
“Sorry can’t talk now,” the cute one with a dimple said cheerily, then ‘ouch’ as his hand was sliced neatly of at the wrist; then towards the tall dark chuckling figure, “Aw dad, what’d you do that for?”  
Zock had had enough of this.  
“Well, really,” he said putting his hands on his hips, “try to help someone, tch…” He strode off down the corridor with Vita in his wake, again going thru the motions of strangling a chicken.

Dr Who appeared mysteriously from around a corner, K9 in tow, and a scantily clad female nearby.  
“How’s it going?” The Dr asked Zock. Ignoring Vita’s hysterical laughter and caustic comments, Zock answered.  
“Oh fine, except that we’ve lost our way to the C.O.U. which way do we go now?  
“That-a-way.” Dr who pointed vaguely.  
“Right!” Zock said purposely and strode off, a weeping Vita trailing behind him.

Ch IV

Meanwhile, back at the office, Zock’s boss looked at his watch and said, “Where’s Albert?”

Ch V

Back at the space ship, things were getting hairy for our heroes.   
“Look, we’re hurtling towards a black hole.” Vita exclaimed, pointing frantically out of the window, “what’ll we do?”  
“I don’t know,” Zock was chewing his fingernails. “I fell asleep during the movie.”  
Vita moaned. “I’m too young and beautiful to be crushed in to a singularity!”  
Zock was curious.  
“By the way, how old are you?”  
“Oh, 781.” Vita replied, blushing.

Closer ever closer they were drawn inexorably towards the black hole. When suddenly, a huge gate keeper type person loomed up at them space’s void.  
“Oi!” he shouted, “you can’t come in here! Didn’t you read the signs?” He indicated two immense signs informing Zock and Vita that this was private property and off limits to mortals.  
“Well there’s not much we can do about it.” Screamed Vita.  
“Oh” said the gatekeeper, “in that case you’ll have to pay the toll.”  
“How much is it?” Asked Zock, who being an accountant, was well aware of the importance of money.   
“Ten cents.” Said the gate keeper. “Inflation hasn’t reached this part of the universe yet.”  
Suddenly Zock and Vita found themselves on the opposite side of the black hole.  
“I’ll write you an IOU!” Zock shouted back towards the attendant.

Ch VI

Onwards ever Onwards sped the Coppernicus.  
“I know we’re getting towards the centre of the universe,” Zock exclaimed clasping his fists in rapture, “I can feel it in my bones.”  
“What are you doing with Dr McCoy?” Vita asked, ‘besides, feelings got nothing to do with it, there are signposts out there.”  
Indeed there was, big blue ones which declared ’50 parsecs to C.O.U.”; “43 ½ parsecs to C.O.U.”; “this way to the C.O.U.” but it was a particularly large signpost which said, “Oh, by the way, you have to go thru a wormhole to get to the C.O.U.”  
Zock said, “look there’s the worm-hole, complete with worms.”  
“Don’t talk about the good Dr like that.” Vita said indignantly. Indeed the Tardis was spinning towards them. Dr Who’s crackled over the intercom.  
“Oh by the way, you have to go thru here to get to the C.O.U.”  
“We know,” Zock said irritably, “we can read.”  
“Oh well if that’s the way you feel about it,” the doctor said, “(crackle, crackle, crackle) to you.”  
“What?” Zock inquired.  
“No this is who,” came the answer.  
Tardis winked out of view, with a noise reminiscent of a constipated elephant. They puttered thru the worm-hole, gazing in wonder at the myriad of colours that spfx can produce. They sputtered out the end.

Before them, they beheld a chronological masterpiece of quartz technology. Yes, it was a digital alarm clock. It lay there, magnificent, at least 5000 miles highs, and bathed in the glorious light of several supa-novae.  
“Golly,” said Zock, sucking his thumb.  
“Ditto,” said Vita, awe filled, “but look, its not working, there’s no display, the batteries must have run down.”  
Zock, still awe struck said, “it must have cost Timex a fortune. I’d hate to hear the alarm.”  
“Don’t be silly you can’t have an alarm in space.” Vita pointed out.   
“Then why has it got an alarm on it then,” Zock wanted to know.   
Vita thought for a bit, “Timex goofs again.” She said, “What’s more to the point, where are we going to find 4, 30 mile long, 12 mile diameter batteries…”  
“Eveready?” Zock ventured.

Suddenly there was a startled cry from the storeroom.  
“Oh, look what I found!” Vita exclaimed.   
“Don’t tell me you found four 30 mile long, 12 mile diameter batteries!” Zock asked hopefully.  
“No silly,” Vita said, “it’s the lipstick I lost last week, you need glasses.”  
At that moment there was a voice came over the intercome.  
“This is James T. Kirk captain of the Starship Enterprise, here you can have ours.” And four of the largest ‘D’ cells ever seen floated towards them.  
“I think this ship is bugged.” Grumbled Zock.

By intricate manouvering of gravity and antigravity beams, they got the batteries into place; and after careful calculations they set the time to what they thought it should be.

Ch VII

Their mission completed, they wound their merry way homeward, singing gleefully. Vita pointed out something outside the ship. It was Steve McQueen, sitting on an asteroid, gesturing and waving frantically.  
“What’s he trying to say?” Zock asked.  
“I don’t know,” Vita said testily, “I’m not an old movie buff.”  
As they were pondering on the significance of this young actors actions, they sailed head long into, THE BLOB.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to Jacqui, cos we laughed so much.


End file.
